I’m sure I shouldn’t post this, especially since it became “all about me” and I’m sure no one cares. But, then I figured, maybe it might help someone…
The difference between psychopaths and sociopaths.
Psychopaths were born that way.
Sociopaths are conditioned to become that way (intentionally or otherwise). Think government, and sometimes vocational, “training.” Cops. Soldiers. Social Workers… They’re more sociopathic than they are “qualified” for anything. SJWs are a great example.
What you’ve described is a narsicistic and/or sadistic sociopath/psychopath.
Psychopathy/Sociopathy is merely an indifference to the suffering of others, or a lack of empathy. It is a condition found rarely on its own, as it’s symptoms usually lead to inadvertent mistreatment of others, or being mistreated. Which grows into something else by the addition of sadism (usually men) or narcissism (usually women).
I’m a Sociopath and I know it. I know exactly how I got this way, and even guided/harnessed part of it to be productive. As it turns out, even without trying, I’m just that awesome… Took me a long time to accept that instead of deny it under the excuse that I was being fantastically arrogant. It’s harder to acknowledge good qualities than bad… Because I’m aware of it, and am a decent person, I save my sadism for those who deserve it. Because I got this way via chronic abuse by mental midgets, I have no pity for the stupid. Especially the entitled stupid; who are usually narscissitic sociopaths. They have to impose their delusional worldview bubble onto others to manipulate for survival. They’re too stupid to do anything else. They float to the top of heirarchical structures because they can’t serve a function anywhere else. They’re useless people.
When decent people reach their “breaking point” or they “snap,” this is what breaks; the ability to give a shit. At that moment, revenge is the primal response. Fools like to brag about “I don’t give a fuck” to sound cool. It’s not enjoyable to lack the ability to give a fuck… If it were true, you’d not brag about it.
Such people do not become entirely unfeeling. It just takes extremes to reach them. My mom died almost exactly a year ago. I cried once, 4 months ago. Violently, out of nowhere, for about 10 minutes, then poof, gone, like nothing happened. Fools would call it bi-polar, but it’s not.
An aware sociopath with a conscience, me, simply appears stoic. Sometimes appearing disengenuous because I have to fake things like facial expressions, inflection, and body language; because it no longer comes naturally. There is no “we,” ever. Not because of exclusion, but honesty. Because I know that no one knows what it’s like. At the deepest level of what I am, there is no one else like this. There is no “we.”
“The sick individual finds himself at home with all other similarly sick individuals. The whole culture is geared to this kind of pathology. The result is that the average individual does not experience the separateness and isolation the fully schizophrenic person feels. He feels at ease among those who suffer from the same deformation; in fact, it is the fully sane person who feels isolated in the insane society – and he may suffer so much from the incapacity to communicate that it is he who may become psychotic.” ― Erich Fromm
Disparity is why I seek isolation. While solitude is healthy for introspection, to know ones ugliest aspects and to choose consciously to become better. To face yourself instead of needing to turn on the TV and ignore what’s on just for the background noise (someone who doesn’t want to confront their failings, but hide instead). I have an unhealthy addiction to solitude. I can’t stand the togetherness that is never really togetherness… I can’t stand the fakeness of “we.” It’s an impossible dichotomy, being a social creature by design… I spend months without speaking to anyone. Often waayyy out in the woods, playing survivalist when I was younger. Eventually I seek human contact, but a few hours of that reminds me why I was out in the woods for several months, and away I go again…
I’ve found a new form of isolation. Living in a foreign country, a foreign culture; and deliberately not integrating in any way. I rather enjoy being a “farang” in Thailand. I don’t know anybody, nobody knows me; and no one is bothered or offended by it. But, I know, eventually, it’ll become too familiar. People will recognize me in places oft traveled. The street food market. The gas station. The security guards at the gate to the condo where I live. I’ll become a familiar face, and I’ll hate it.
The most predictable quality of the neuro-typical, is their ability to forget that I am not one of them. As they enjoy the comfort of forgetfulness, I am reminded that much more intensely.
An ironic problem for a person who’s memory is do damaged by the stress of Knowing. Constantly reminded, even though I cannot remember.
I belong on that solar powered catamaran, but the Fedcoats took it from me. Wonder where that sadism is directed now? I don’t sleep with my rifle because I’m paranoid and afraid. I sleep with my rifle because living past the point of taking them out at the peak of treason would be a hell much worse than death. My conscience would never let me rest.
Let no man say that I am not self-aware…
A quote I came up with to explain what drives me against what I know:
“The problem with the world is not the crazy guy on the street corner who thinks he’s on a mission from God. The problem is that we’re all charged with a mission from God, but the only one of us living up to it is the crazy guy on the street corner.”
If you really are an arrogant narcissist and you write yourself off as such. No harm done.
But, what if you really are a big deal? What if you really are on a mission from God, and you fail to do it? What if you’re convinced that you don’t matter, and you never do your drop in the bucket?
That’s why everything sucks.
The greatest trick the Devil ever played, was convincing us that he doesn’t exist… Or was his greatest trick convincing us that we don’t?
No raindrop takes responsibility for the flood.